This is a followup of a previous post, The Gift.
2018, it is now almost 4 years since I gifted to my Acharya my self and my Harley. So this month he gifted my soul and the very old Harley back to me. It was a sad week that. It did feel as if my Acharya was breaking a bond between us, him being the owner of me and all that.Of course it sound cult like and that is why I say things this way, to make it sound like a cult and dispel some ideas.
I can now sell the old Harley. It was a long road of my having to take care of her, be the custodian of her. Nervously I would drive her for years just to do due diligence for her health, too scared something would happen to her. I pampered her, over-serviced her, did not let the girlfriend's son use her because she was not mine I was no more than her temporary adoptive parent custodian. She cost me handsomely for storage and all that.
Now that she was gifted back to me along with my other possession, my soul, it feels different.
The pain, worry and expense of taking care of my Acharya's Fat Boy was at times a way for me to repay him somewhat. I knew that at any time he could come get his motorcycle and it should be clean and ready for him to go. But now she is mine again. Now, how do I repay my Acharya. There is a void in my heart right now.
My soul, I don't know how I feel about that. It is a very big gift that I received and I feel deeply indebted.
I gave him my Fat Boy and my soul at a time when the motorcycle was worse for wear and rusty. My soul was in shatters. My ego so fragile and important. My mind screwed up and my career going nowhere. My heart was broken and my chakras were all messed up. It was easy giving all of that baggage to him as a gift to keep or sell or pawn, whatever. I didn't care for it much.
Now, he gave it back to me. He had fixed my soul, my mind, my heart, my ego. He had given me perfect insight to my self and the souls of others. He gave me power over myself and the minds of others. He gave me the ability to go out there and be whoever I want to be. He gave me the power to heal my own cancer. He gave me a new life, in fact. But he did all that because I gave it all away as a shitty gift for him to own.
For years I was custodian over what he had created in me and like his motorcycle, I took very good care of his stuff. In fact, I prospered as I worked it all very well. I became wealthy over the past few years. Wealthy and healthy, nevertheless I remained happy and content as I was when I left the ashram. Until a while ago, my Acharya owned all I had made, the wealth and the happiness, but now he gave it all to me.
And now that I own it all, I discover that the Harley is worth much, much more than when I had given it away. My bank balance is stuffed, overflowing so much so that I don't take calls from my bank anymore. They cannot bear seeing the money there, they want their little hands on it, they want to invest it for me. They don't like the idea that I have no debts whatsoever and four years of salary in cash and many years of sustainable income in fixed-asset value.
So my Tantra teacher used to own all of that but now he gave it to me. Now, I am sort of kinda rich I guess. But I have no need for it. Now, my prized possession is the Fat Boy and really, that is all I have need for. My home is humble, my car is humble, my girlfriend is humble, her son is a not guilty of humility in any way, and my boat is humble. All, are paid for except of course for my girlfriend's son.
So what now?
Back then, when I cracked up and broke and took my shit to lay before my teacher I had nothing because I worked my ass off trying to make money, build a career and keep a girlfriend and pay the rent. There was nothing I desired more than having another credit card, one with a higher limit. I desired self respect and self control. I desired it so much I broke. It was easy to give myself to the cult-like machine of my teacher.
Now, I have all of this stuff that people call success and people treat me different. The same people who used to treat me like the idiot I was back then, now treat me with high superficial respect. How shallow we are, people. Now that I don't need their awe, I dont want anyone to even notice me, now I get all this "respect" and "awe". I don't even have a presence on Facebook or Instagram, and for them I did not exist a while back.
How do they know my status? Hell, I dont know. They all live in fancy neighbourhoods in homes with massive mortgages, car loans and credit card debts and clothing you can use to make a Chinese tourist jealous. I live differently. So how do they know?
They don't know, but they sense that I am different. I don't have the stress. I don't try to impress. I don't need be seen in those places where the wealthy hang. I don't need... and that makes them very uncomfortable. They give me their money, easily, because I provide an excellent service. They trust me, but they know they cannot get in here in my mind. They know I get into their minds, and they allow it. Why?
Now I don't know what to do with all of this. It has all come to be my responsibility now.
I asked my Teacher, "Why, Acharya? Why now?". He said he always wanted to give me something nice but he didnt have anything fancy and the gift I had given him, my soul and my Fat Boy, was not anything to be proud of. But now, he is very happy that he can give me something really nice--me.
I graciously accepted--me.
But now its my responsibility. But then, it was all my responsibility I guess, just I didn't feel it so much.
I think I will go out and spoil myself to celebrate this milestone, buy some nice tea from China to have on the boat tonight.
Thank you, my dear teacher, we shall have tea tonight in spirit together as the sun sets in Sydney.
