The Tantra of a Gift Returned

This is a followup of a previous post, The Gift.

2018, it is now almost 4 years since I gifted to my Acharya my self and my Harley. So this month he gifted my soul and the very old Harley back to me. It was a sad week that. It did feel as if my Acharya was breaking a bond between us, him being the owner of me and all that.

Of course it sound cult like and that is why I say things this way, to make it sound like a cult and dispel some ideas.

I can now sell the old Harley. It was a long road of my having to take care of her, be the custodian of her. Nervously I would drive her for years just to do due diligence for her health, too scared something would happen to her. I pampered her, over-serviced her, did not let the girlfriend's son use her because she was not mine I was no more than her temporary adoptive parent custodian. She cost me handsomely for storage and all that.

Now that she was gifted back to me along with my other possession, my soul, it feels different.
The pain, worry and expense of taking care of my Acharya's Fat Boy was at times a way for me to repay him somewhat. I knew that at any time he could come get his motorcycle and it should be clean and ready for him to go. But now she is mine again. Now, how do I repay my Acharya. There is a void in my heart right now.

My soul, I don't know how I feel about that. It is a very big gift that I received and I feel deeply indebted.

I gave him my Fat Boy and my soul at a time when the motorcycle was worse for wear and rusty. My soul was in shatters. My ego so fragile and important. My mind screwed up and my career going nowhere. My heart was broken and my chakras were all messed up. It was easy giving all of that baggage to him as a gift to keep or sell or pawn, whatever. I didn't care for it much.

Now, he gave it back to me. He had fixed my soul, my mind, my heart, my ego. He had given me perfect insight to my self and the souls of others. He gave me power over myself and the minds of others. He gave me the ability to go out there and be whoever I want to be. He gave me the power to heal my own cancer. He gave me a new life, in fact. But he did all that because I gave it all away as a shitty gift for him to own.

For years I was custodian over what he had created in me and like his motorcycle, I took very good care of his stuff. In fact, I prospered as I worked it all very well. I became wealthy over the past few years. Wealthy and healthy, nevertheless I remained happy and content as I was when I left the ashram. Until a while ago, my Acharya owned all I had made, the wealth and the happiness, but now he gave it all to me.

And now that I own it all, I discover that the Harley is worth much, much more than when I had given it away. My bank balance is stuffed, overflowing so much so that I don't take calls from my bank anymore. They cannot bear seeing the money there, they want their little hands on it, they want to invest it for me. They don't like the idea that I have no debts whatsoever and four years of salary in cash and many years of sustainable income in fixed-asset value.

So my Tantra teacher used to own all of that but now he gave it to me. Now, I am sort of kinda rich I guess. But I have no need for it. Now, my prized possession is the Fat Boy and really, that is all I have need for. My home is humble, my car is humble, my girlfriend is humble, her son is a not guilty of humility in any way, and my boat is humble. All, are paid for except of course for my girlfriend's son.

So what now?

Back then, when I cracked up and broke and took my shit to lay before my teacher I had nothing because I worked my ass off trying to make money, build a career and keep a girlfriend and pay the rent. There was nothing I desired more than having another credit card, one with a higher limit. I desired self respect and self control. I desired it so much I broke. It was easy to give myself to the cult-like machine of my teacher.

Now, I have all of this stuff that people call success and people treat me different. The same people who used to treat me like the idiot I was back then, now treat me with high superficial respect. How shallow we are, people. Now that I don't need their awe, I dont want anyone to even notice me, now I get all this "respect" and "awe". I don't even have a presence on Facebook or Instagram, and for them I did not exist a while back.

How do they know my status? Hell, I dont know. They all live in fancy neighbourhoods in homes with massive mortgages, car loans and credit card debts and clothing you can use to make a Chinese tourist jealous. I live differently. So how do they know?

They don't know, but they sense that I am different. I don't have the stress. I don't try to impress. I don't need be seen in those places where the wealthy hang. I don't need... and that makes them very uncomfortable. They give me their money, easily, because I provide an excellent service. They trust me, but they know they cannot get in here in my mind. They know I get into their minds, and they allow it. Why?

Now I don't know what to do with all of this. It has all come to be my responsibility now.

I asked my Teacher, "Why, Acharya? Why now?". He said he always wanted to give me something nice but he didnt have anything fancy and the gift I had given him, my soul and my Fat Boy, was not anything to be proud of. But now, he is very happy that he can give me something really nice--me.

I graciously accepted--me.

But now its my responsibility. But then, it was all my responsibility I guess, just I didn't feel it so much.

I think I will go out and spoil myself to celebrate this milestone, buy some nice tea from China to have on the boat tonight.

Thank you, my dear teacher, we shall have tea tonight in spirit together as the sun sets in Sydney.

THE GIFT: in Nirvanalaksanayoga Tantra

When you give a gift to someone, the gift becomes their property. They can do with it whatever they will. They can re-gift, put it on a mantelpiece where they can appreciate it, or stick it in a cupboard to perhaps use at another time. Point is, it is their property to use as they see fit, and that is the essence of gifting.

There is an unwritten social rule about receiving a gift and that is you must appreciate it. However, even if you don’t, that makes you only a jerk but you still own the property to use as you see fit.
In spiritual life, we see it all the time how a devotee gifts the traditional gifting-scarf to a teacher, and the teacher may immediately gift it back to the devotee, or gift it to the next person coming along, or keep it for a later time to gift to someone. My point is illustrated that ownership the scarf passed from one to another.

I once almost broke my bank to buy a very expensive gift for my teacher. He really needed a good tablet because he was forever searching on the small screen of his smartphone (which someone else gifted him) for texts or illustrations he needed to answer our questions. I believed my gift would enable him to teach more people and spend less effort curbing impatience while fiddling with the small screen.

My Teacher was so pleased with the gift, almost juvenile is his experience of the pleasure it brought him. I was so happy, and I guess even a small whiff of pride… Well, the first opportunity that arose when my Teacher saw another teacher fiddling with his phone, looking for material to explain to his students, he gifted his tablet to the man. It took no more than three days for him to re-gift it because it was so precious to him, he knew exactly what a powerful gift it was that he gave to another (less patient) teacher.

As Tantra goes, I had to share with my Teacher the feelings I experienced. I told him that I had conquered and did not feel anything when I saw him re-gifting the tablet. However, I also told him that when I first noticed how he delighted in the tablet, I did feel a whimper of pride and that bothers me. I thought I had conquered that, so I asked for advice. The advice I got was that I should recall a few years back when I gifted myself and all that I own to my Teacher. Teacher reminded me that the money I used to buy the tablet therefore was his money, not mine, I had nothing and whatever I use are by Teacher’s grace.

Damn! In the early years, he used to hit me on the head with whatever object within reach to help me snap out of it and think clearly. For a dumbass rookie mistake like that, I really wanted him to smack me against the head again. He didn’t. So, I bowed, walked out of his office and hit my own head against the wall until the headache was unbearable. “Stupid idiot”, I scolded the head.

Teacher came out to see what the commotion was in the hallway. He stood patiently, waiting for me to finish my self-flagellation. When I had done, he looked at me quizzingly and asked. “Why [hit] the head when it’s the ego that is the problem?”

I squinted from pain, “I know sir, I just feel so stupid”

“You need help with hitting the ego to learn a good lesson?” he said with no expression on his face.

“No, sir. Thank you.” I said and backed off down the hall very quickly. How can I ever forget the time when I accepted Teacher offer for help on that very same matter, I answered Yes to that very same question. The seat of the ego is in Svadisthana Chakra and Muladhara Chakra, in the groin. Teacher kicked me in the balls so hard I walked like a duck for four days.

This brings me to the point of this essay. The gift you bring to your Teacher when you start out on this path.

In Nirvanalaksanayoga Tantra (I don’t know about other tantras) your guru, your Acharya, gives more of him/herself that you can ever afford, or repay. They become fully committed to you, day and night. In the beginning, you are not so aware of their presence but later on you know, they are always there. When they seem to be resting in sleep, more so than when awake. They are molding your soul, transforming your entire being, making you worthy of enlightenment and then they bestow on you enlightenment. The entire purpose of human life—they accomplish that in you. Read that sentence again. I cannot say it enough times to make it sounds as powerful as it is. How long does it take, this excruciating dedication the Teacher bestows upon you? Years.

You cannot buy this. You cannot afford it. It is a gift to you. It is a gift that Acharya makes with his own labour of love and dedication, he crafts a perfected soul from a piece of shit. In the end, he gifts it to you and you will do with that enlightened consciousness whatever you want. That is why we do guru puja and guru worship,it is part of the dynamic. You want to do it, and you need to do it, and it is the one thing that ensures success in how soon the guru can transform you into something better.
What is the gift that you have to give your Acharya?

Nothing you have is good enough. Nothing you have is anything s/he wants. Acharya needs nothing from you. If anything, they need rest, time out, time to read a book or take a break. You, coming into her/his life is a responsibility, taking on a huge project, with it comes an inner vow of dedication Teacher makes to himself. I, for one, am not ready to spend all that energy on another person. It is a frightful idea, for me to take on such a responsibility. What if I get it wrong? What if I am not up to the challenge?

So, what do you gift this hero crafter of spiritual perfection who will labour on your behalf for years to come?

All you have to give is the piece of broken shit that you are. You give him that as a gift. You give your body, your mind, your assets, and you apologize that your gifts are so inferior.

I will say more about how my gifting experience went but I must say this first. Know that your Acharya can accept your gift and do whatever she wants with it. She can use it for her own benefit, she can regift it, she can put in in a cupboard for later use, she can sell it. Whatever. Own this reality before you even make the list of what your gift entails. This is really very important. If you don’t really understand and appreciate this, you may not be successful in having your gift accepted and it may b years before you get another opportunity to present yourself as a candidate.

My list

My list of what my gift entailed included the usual items: head with holes and eyes and hair, brain full of incorrect knowledge and thoughts of being an entity, torso, skin, nipples, nails, ribs, penis minus a foreskin, etc. etc. But, my point is I live in Australia and I had a boat. So, the boat and laptop, phone, furniture in the apartment, all were on the list. I was so proud of myself that I conquered that and was totally ready to hand that over.

My gift was rejected. 

I am not saying that this will be the case with other people, tantra is different for every individual. In my case, the gift was not accepted. Why? Because Acharya knew there were things I did not add to the list and quickly cut to the bone. I had a girlfriend who I did not include in the gift because I was going to break up with her if I got accepted. I had credit card debt of $3,000 and I had a lease on an apartment but no immediate income. My piece of shit gift ended up worse that shit, it was a liability. What was I thinking? What must Acharya do with my girlfriend, especially since I had not discussed with her about gifting her. What must Acharya do with the lease and credit card debt and gold-fish in the apartment?

I was fortunate, they allowed me back in to make another presentation six-months later. I had sold the boat to cover my debts, buy out the lease, store my motorbike and my now ex-girlfriend had custody of the goldfish and the cat I had forgotten about. My gift was accepted. However, Acharya said he was rather looking forward to taking a ride in his boat but now he learns there’s no more boat. I reminded him that he owns a Harley-Davidson Fat Boy in Sydney in storage. He said, “Sure, one day we go ride my Fat Boy.”

It was about a year later that Acharya called me in. He told me to accompany another Teacher to Sydney for a conference. He told me he had gifted his Fat Boy to the Teacher and he wanted me to make sure the Teacher enjoys it. He did. We took a ride down the coast for three days, sleeping over in camp sites. He absolutely loved the experience, jubilant, tantric, childlike. Acharya was happy that his gift gave the teacher such pleasure. Today, years later, I have no idea who “owns” the Harley but I do know that I am still the custodian of him. The storage and maintenance costs, I must cover. None of the owners of the bike ever offered a penny toward its storage or upkeep. I use the Fat Boy regularly but I know, I am merely a custodian and its owner, whoever that may be, may call for it anytime.

Could I have left the Fat Boy off the list? I could not lie to Acharya. They always know more about you that you know yourself. Will the owner of the bike ever gift it back to me? O my Lord, I hope so because I have to get rid of the damn thing it is too old to keep going with the rust and all that.

How else did Acharya use the gift that I gave him?

We fall in love with our teachers, there’s no other way. So, we serve in any way possible. We watch them and try to make their lives a little easier when possible. We are in awe of them. We see the Divine in their energies. We want to be one with them. We are custodians of their assets, and we put those assets to use in their service. The synergy is amazing. We end up being a team, getting things done.

The relationship we have with our teachers is intense. They are hard masters. Sometimes you cry because they are monsters, and later when you realize the pain was like that of surgery to get rid of unwanted boil and festering puss, you bow in reverence. Sometimes you want to leave because you feel unwanted, and not too long after you learn the spiritual lesson they have been trying to teach. Sometimes thy may you do things that boggle your mind, that go against all convention, and soon you learn, again, that convention is your enemy. Keeps you imprisoned. Humiliation is a big part of learning to kill the ego, it is never pleasant but the result is delightful peace.

He got rid of the piece of shit ego very quickly. Still a little residue that shows from time to time (notwithstanding him having kicked my/his balls). That ego was something Acharya worked on right from day one. He changed the way the brain thinks, rewired it. Now, it thinks only humour and beauty and it sees peace and equanimity at all times. It is capable of clear reasoning and insight beyond what I could master in years and years of spiritual practice. He healed the crappy body I gave him, sort of remodeled it. He worked it hard, but it paid off for him because the body I gave him now looks damn fine. The soul, that I gave him, he made into something very special. I stand amazed at how it is in constant contact with the Divine, how powerful it had become and how good a teacher it is, but above all, how good a healer it is. Acharya uses that soul to heal hundreds of people every year. My efforts in healing makes money here in Australia but of course, it all belongs to Acharya. I send him statements of income and expenses (including Fat Boy’s maintenance) and bank balance.


Will Acharya ever gift those things back to me? Now there’s the problem. Its technical. Sure, Acharya would like to get rid of the responsibility. However, I ceased to exist when my ego was wiped out (almost entirely, working on it, sore balls and all). So, if I don’t exist as an entity or individual, who can he gift those things to. My fear is if he had to gift those things to me, I may get back my sense of ego, individuality, I will lose my sense of just being one with everything. I don’t think I want it, dot think I need it or have any use for it. But, Acharya knows when and how. He will do the right thing for me at the right time, as always.